Interview: Dr. Ann Wexler from 'Gene Simmons Family Jewels'
July 25, 2011 - Like this? Subscribe to get instant updates.
Dr. Ann Wexler is a Beverly Hills-based psychologist who specializes in couples therapy. Reality television fans may be familiar with her work on the current season of Gene Simmons Family Jewels, in which she has been helping KISS star Gene Simmons and his longtime partner Shannon Tweed sort through their relationship problems.
The season finale airs Tuesday night, and previews show Simmons finally proposing to Tweed after 28 years of being, as he terms it, "happily unmarried."
Dr. Wexler spoke to Examiner.com about her background, her work on the show, and her insights into Simmons and Tweed in this exclusive interview.
Let's talk a little bit about your background and how that led you to working in Beverly Hills.
After graduate school I started a private practice in Beverly Hills, and have stayed here the whole time, seeing a variety of different kinds of patients.
I ended up specializing in relationships, whether people are married or in a relationship, or whether they're people who are single who are looking to figure out why they're still single. I also own and operate LA Couples Therapy Center with my business partner Mark Allison, MFT. The center has workshops and classes for couples and singles.
How did that lead to the opportunity to work with Gene Simmons Family Jewels?
Gene got my number from someone, and I'm not sure from whom. But he was referred to me, and then called me for therapy. I don't know exactly how they worked it out on the show that they were going to show it on camera, but then they asked if it would be okay, and we went from there.
Did you have any trepidation about having it all appear on camera? Did you fear it might affect Gene's ability to speak freely?
What I said to Gene early on, and what I knew to be true going into this, was that the only way for this to work was for it to be very real. For us to do therapy . . . it's something that is very private, and so for therapy to be on camera and shown to millions of viewers, it was only going to work if he was willing to participate in the process as a real patient of mine. I let him know that early on, and that's what he did.
Shannon was real from the beginning. There was never any issue with her at all. I think it took him a little bit longer to settle in.
Were you familiar with KISS, Gene, Shannon or the show prior to him contacting you?
I had never heard of the show. I did not know it existed. I did not know who Shannon was. I kind of knew his name and had definitely heard of KISS, but had never seen KISS or been a fan of KISS or listened to the music.
When you first met with Gene, is that what's shown on camera? Are those the actual therapy sessions, or did you first meet with him privately and discuss boundaries for what would and would not be discussed on camera?
No, we did not meet before. Our first meeting was on camera. (Laughs). I mean, it's reality TV, so it's gotta be real. When I walked out to that waiting room and met him, that was when I first met him.
It's interesting, everybody's been talking about how this season seems much more real. You might not be aware of it, but past seasons have seemed to be more scripted and staged.
There's never been any script at all. There's never been anything. He walks in here, and we have therapy.
After your first session with Gene, what did you come away with as far as, what is the main issue that you perceived?
Wow. Do I have to pick just one? (Laughs).
I think that when I very first met him, I thought, 'Wow, we really need to break through this rock star persona, this TV persona. We have to break through this and I need to find out who he really is. I need to get to who he really is for us to do real work.'
My sense of it is that in many of his interactions with people in his life - although I don't know this, this is just my sense of it - that the TV persona, the rock star persona is probably all they ever see. And it takes some work to get through that. So walking away from the initial meeting, I thought, 'That's going to be the biggest obstacle, is will he allow me to break through that persona to see who he really is?' And it turned out that he really did let me in, but I didn't know if he was going to.
Would you agree that the whole Gene Simmons persona, basically the whole person known as Gene Simmons is a facade?
No. It's trickier than that. Any person who's in the public eye, whether they're a rock star, a politician, a celebrity, they do have a part of them that they keep hidden from the public, because I think you would probably feel too exposed if you didn't hide some of yourself. You just can't show everything to everyone.
But I don't think that his whole personality is a facade. He's a very real guy with different facets and lots of feelings.
Do you have other clients in the entertainment business?
Yes.
I wonder if you would agree with this: I speak to musicians all the time, and it's been my repeated observation that the entertainment business, by its very nature, is geared toward the exploitation of people with damaged personalities.
What do you mean by "damaged personalities"?
People who have something in their past, like some childhood trauma that they're running from, and maybe they're re-creating a different self in some way, or projecting a different self.
No, I would disagree with that. First of all, I don't think it's a good idea to generalize an entire profession as being one way. I think that when you're looking at actors, actresses, rock stars, musicians - people who perform - there does seem to be some tendency for people who desire attention to seek those professions.
But there are also people who want to perform simply because they love playing the guitar, or singing, or acting, and the attention is a side effect that in many cases is not desired. You see this in celebrities that are very private. They're not really seeking all that attention. They're really doing it because they like acting. So it isn't true across the board.
But I do think there is a segment of each of those populations that have a greater need for attention than say, your average person, and they fill that need for attention or recognition through their celebrity or their art.
How about Gene specifically? Do you think he has an unhealthy need to be perceived as important or someone to be envied?
I don't think he has a need to impress everyone.
Really?!
Yes. I think he probably really enjoys that he is perceived as impressive, but I don't think he has a great need for it. He certainly doesn't seem to have a need to be viewed as so important, because this is a pretty low-key guy in certain ways.
I know that's surprising, because he doesn't appear that way. But this isn't a guy who walks around with an entourage. This isn't a guy who . . . he showed up on his own for therapy. He drove himself here and walked in on his own, and ran into people in the hallway, and that was fine. Some celebrities need an entourage. He's not a guy who needs an entourage.
I know it seems different, but he doesn't have a driver, he doesn't have people that go with him everywhere. He goes places on his own.
In last week's episode, in speaking with his whole family, you talked about how oftentimes a very exaggerated outward display of self-confidence is actually a cover for insecurity. Is that a lot of Gene's problem, is an underlying insecurity that he doesn't express?
I believe that, yes. Gene grew up without a father. He was essentially abandoned by his father. That was his experience in childhood, It was just him and his mother. And when somebody is left by one of the two people - you are supposed to be so important to those two people, and one of them leaves you, you're left with a feeling of not being very special or important.
I believe that insecurity has stayed with him his whole life. Even though he's been so hugely successful, and he's so talented, he still has this feeling deep inside of having to prove that he's the man. And I think that's why he sometimes comes off with an overblown self-confidence.
Let's talk about Shannon a little bit. At what point did she come into the therapy picture?
That's a great question. I don't exactly remember. Several sessions in.
By that time did you understand that infidelity was one of the big issues here? Did you ask her to come in, or did she want to come in?
I suggested that she come in. Infidelity has never been explicitly discussed, and I don't know if there is infidelity or not. We have talked about flirtations, we have talked about his need to have women around him in public settings, we've talked about how he behaves in ways sometimes that are less than respectful for Shannon. But whether or not he has cheated on her, I do not know.
What's your assessment of Shannon? Obviously a lot of the relationship is probably good, but the downside of it, it seems like she's put in an extraordinary effort to hang in as long as she has.
Shannon is a really lovely woman. She's very smart and interesting, and funny and pleasant, and I think she's really in love with him. She's very devoted as a mom, and a partner to him, and for her, it's just what you do. You stay with the guy you love. You stay with the father of your children. And it's only been this last year or so, that Sophie went off to college, that she's even contemplated whether or not she will stay with him.
I don't know that for sure, because I didn't know her before. I actually shouldn't say that she's even contemplated it, because I don't know, but that she's ever taken seriously the possibility of not being with him.
When you first met her, did you get a sense that she was leaning more toward staying or more toward leaving?
When I first met her, I got the sense that she was leaning more toward leaving.
How has that changed over time?
It's been very back and forth for her. Sometimes she feels like staying, sometimes she feels like leaving. I think it's quite a conflict for her, because she loves him, and he's her partner, and they're a family. They've been together 28 years, so how do you ever leave someone who's your family, who you love, who loves you back?
But that's been a conflict for her, because she's also felt disrespected and treated poorly at times. But there's other times when he treats her very well, and is sweet and loving, so it's quite a conflict for her.
In looking at their relationship as it's unfolded in front of you, would you say their relationship is fundamentally healthy or unhealthy?
I think that relationships are on a continuum, and that there are healthy parts of their relationship and less healthy parts of their relationship.
Assuming they choose to stay together, what needs to be different about this for them to both have their needs met?
Well, first of all honesty is important, and direct communication. I have spoken with them both about this, and how important it is to be able to say, "This is what I feel, this is what I think, this is what I want," directly.
I think sometimes when one or the other gets hurt or angry, they don't directly state it. Instead they sort of withdraw for a little while, and then they come back and they don't discuss it. And you do need to talk it through. So that would be the work going forward if they choose to stay together, is to work on a lot more direct communication and expression of what they each need and want.
Do you take a position on couples while working with them? Are you working toward seeing a couple stay together?
I don't have an agenda as a psychologist. It's not my place to determine whether a couple should stay together or be apart. I work with the couple based on what they each express, what they each need and want, both as individuals and as a couple. I help them figure out if it's working for them, but I don't have an agenda either direction.
I've been reading about you online a little bit, and some fans of the show are saying you'll wind up getting your own show like Dr. Phil. Is that anything that's on your radar?
Maybe more like Dr. Drew. I think Dr. Drew is great.
Honestly, if an opportunity like that came along, I would be very happy. I love the idea of being able to help the world see that therapy is a good thing, and being able to help educate people about expression of feelings and communication, and make relationships better. Yeah, sure, I would love that.
Do you feel that therapy at this time is misperceived by the public at large?
I would say that many people have a misperception of what therapy is about, yes. Many people still believe that therapy is for crazy people, and it's not just for people who are psychotic. It's for people of all types.
The thing is, relationships are challenging in the best of times, and life throws us all kinds of curve balls. When those things happen, relationships are challenged, and oftentimes people are not prepared. They don't know how to get through the hard times, the external stressors. They don't know how to continue operating as a team when the curve balls are thrown. And I think that's something that therapy - especially couple's therapy - helps a lot with.
I read on your Facebook page that you might be working on a book. Can you share any information about that at all?
I have written a number of papers on a variety of topics including boundaries, compassionate limits, five rules to fighting fairly, happy divorce for the kids, dating for divorced dads, dating for divorced moms, three steps to getting what you want in a relationship, and how do I love you and still be me?
I may write a book that is a compilation of those papers, or I may write a book on “Relationship Rehab,” how to have the best relationship possible.
Is there anything else you want to say about what you've been doing with Gene and Shannon, Family Jewels or anything else?
This has been a unique opportunity that has been rewarding to me on a number of levels. I very much appreciate all of the very nice feedback I have been getting from people all over the country. It's been very rewarding for me.
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